There she is, that little girl. The little girl from the past who feels lonely and sad. The little girl from the old days as she can’t talk about the topics that are being talked about and with the feeling that she doesn’t belong. The little girl who feels different because she is. She is different in this group. Different because everyone is in recovery, different because everyone can be nice to themselves. She is different because she does not look for what she needs.
The little girl is scared. Afraid to lose too much weight. Afraid of remarks and the worries of others. The little girl is afraid that she will become lonely again if she continues this path. But also afraid to take the fight. The fight needed to get there, where she wants to be. The fight that she doesn’t have to do alone, but must do for herself. The struggle that costs her so much energy, that she sometimes prefers to give up.
The little girl is punishing herself again. Punishing because she is not nice to herself, because she does not ask what she needs. She is punishing herself because she knows she has to make other choices. Choices that give her what she needs, so she can talk and feel that she belongs. Choices that doesn’t make her feel lonely or sad.
The little girl is trying. She tries to be nice to herself and to eat well. She tries to continue to speak and stay in touch with people. But precisely that contact with people is what gives her loneliness. What gives her pain and sorrow. The contact with people that makes her angry with herself and wants to punish herself. The contact with people that makes the little girl confused.
The little girl hears different stories and thoughts. Thoughts that match those of her and some of it doesn’t. Thoughts that confuse her and provide a critical voice. A critical voice that says she has to have a binge, because she doesn’t feel then. Who says ” do not eat, because then you lose weight ”. A critical voice that says ” if you hurt yourself you will not feel loneliness and sadness anymore ”. A critical voice that says ” when your professional help is over, you can go ”.
But that’s not what the little girl wants. The little girl wants to be happy and not afraid. She wants to live healthy and not lose weight. The little girl wants to enjoy and be able to talk with people. Smalltalk, but also about activities, family and friends. The little girl wants so much, but then she will first have to take care of herself. She will have to make the choices she needs. The choices needed to be able to face the future with love, hope and faith!
Much lovee (L)