Today 30 days ago. 30 days ago that I had a binge for the last time. 30 days ago that I compensated. 30 days ago, when I was angry at myself, I was ashamed of what I had done and that I was helping my body in the buds. Because that is what I did. The binging and the compensation afterwards caused my body to deteriorate, that I was no longer able to eat decently, because every bite gave me pain. The binge eating caused pain, the compensation caused pain. Not only physical pain, but also psychological pain.
I punished myself by keeping a binge, I punished myself by compensating to punish myself even more for the feeling I had afterwards. The feeling of relief and peace that I initially received. The feeling that was always short-lived because soon followed feelings of guilt, shame and anger. Feelings of fear, pain and sadness. Feelings that were supported by thoughts. Thoughts about being worthless and finding myself fat, about not being good enough and about not being accepted by others. Because if I cannot live with myself, why does someone else should accept me.
But that time is over. The time of punishing myself because I made a mistake, made a wrong choice or hurt someone unconsciously. The time with fleeing for my emotions, the negative thoughts and fears that I have. The time with the physical and psychological pain because I had another binge and compensated on that.
It hasn’t been easy. Easy to feel emotions, to hear negative thoughts and to enter into fears. It is not easy to live without fleeing into something that has always felt safe. But my eating disorder is not safe. What has been my best friend at first is someone I no longer need. What I need is the people around me. The people who understand what I’m going through, the people who offer a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. People I can call when it is difficult, people who tell me that I can be proud of myself!
And today I am a bit too😊