I want to write, but I do not know where to start. It is chaos in my head and my body is tired. I feel nothing and at the same time too much. It is my addiction that takes up space. Space to make me crazy, space to tell me that I have failed. It is my addiction that makes me crazy. Telling me that everything goes well when I am among people and who’s bullying me when I am alone.
I am clean for 2½ years. Clean from drugs and alcohol. But I am not really clean. I am not clean from my eating disorder, from auto mutilation. I am not clean from mistreating and hurting myself. I am clean of 2 coping mechanisms. 2 of the many different types that I use. Which I use so I don’t have to feel, don’t have to think. Coping mechanisms that I use because I don’t know how to deal with emotions. How I can create peace in my head and stop the flow of thoughts.
It is chaos in my head and my body is tired, but I’m going on. I continue working and caring for other people. I continue my social activities and the appointments I make. I continue to speak to people. To people who listen to me, seeing and supporting me. People who give me love and strength to continue. People who are there for me, but can not help me.
I go on and on and on, but how long does this have to be? My thoughts tell me that I must give up, that I must stop. That I can’t go on like this, because I am losing myself. I’m losing myself because I don’t know where to start. Do I start with my eating disorder or the trauma? Do I have to start taking a rest or continue to seek distraction? I keep searching. Searching for the answer, for the solution. Search for what is good for me, but I can’t find it. I can’t find what I need. What I need to get rest in my head and a body with energy.
But I’ll keep searching, everyday. Untill that day comes that I’ve found it💪🏼